My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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