i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
