Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
