dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
