He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
time to smoke my breakfast
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
