i just sent this text using only my big toe
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
