Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
