it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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