I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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