and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
