I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
