Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
