The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
