The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
