whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
