I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
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I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
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He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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