sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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