Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
