My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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