We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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