the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
