I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
