McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
