I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
