So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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