It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Sext me about skeletons
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
