Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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