Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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