If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
