I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
