Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
