New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
