take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
