porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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