I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
