Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
