tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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