Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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