I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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