last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
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