I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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