Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
