dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
