Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
