I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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