I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
