Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
