Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
