Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
