This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
