so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
