I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
