Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
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We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
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Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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