i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
