I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize
