Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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