life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
the raccoons are back...
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