i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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