70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
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When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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